SANCTIFICATION
and
SECOND BLESSING
Extract from Life of Hester Ann Rogers
Sanctification - Seeking and Finding
My outward opposition now began to abate and many of my enemies were at peace with me. And now, also, the Lord began to reveal in my heart that sin was not all destroyed: for though I had constant victory over it, yet I felt the remains of anger, pride, self-will, and unbelief often rising, which occasioned a degree of heaviness and sorrow.
At first, I was much amazed to feel such things, and often tempted to think I had lost a measure of pace; yet when I looked to my Lord, or wheneVer I approached Him in secret, He shed His precious love abroad; and bare witness also with my spirit that I was still His child. Yea, and at this time, I received many remarkable answers to prayer, many proofs of His undoubted love and goodness to my soul; and I felt I would rather die than offend Him; so that I was a mystery to myself.
I resolved, however, to use more self-denial of all kinds; and (whatever it cost me with respect to health or life) more fasting and prayer; for I hoped by these means to mortify and starve the evil tempers and propensities of my nature, till they should exist no more; and if my body expired in the combat, I thought I was certain of endless life. I met with some also who told me nothing but death would end this strife! that this is the Christian's warfare, which cannot end but with the life of the body.
After some time, I began to believe these miserable comforters, and of consequence longed for nothing so much as to die; yea, I was impatient to be gone, that I might be freed from sin; for I truly felt, and more so every day -
"`Twas worse than death my God to love,
and not my God alone."
My body was reduced now to a very weak state; and I was pronounced far gone in a consumption, which I esteemed blessed tidings. I looked on myself as one that had done with earth; and cried, "0 that I had wings like a dove; for then would I flee away and be at rest." Yea, so desirous was I to quit the vale of sin (as I called it) here below, that I could not be prevailed on to take anything which I believed would tend to restore my health, and therefore continued to decline very swiftly.
In the latter end of December, I was brought so weak that I could not walk about the room without help, and soon after took my bed, seeming apparently on the verge of eternity. One day, after sitting up a little, I felt myself so weak, that I believed I should rise no more till my soul took its flight to the bosom of Jesus. My joy on this occasion was inexpressible. I begged of the Lord strength to go on my knees once more; and in holy triumph committed body and soul to Him for eternity. I believed my work on earth quite finished: and was filled with assurance that the moment of death would be to me the beginning of endless glory; a taste of which I then felt - a drop out of the ocean - a beam darted from the unclouded Sun of Righteousness, which quite penetrated and overwhelmed my soul, and left me in speechless rapture at His feet. Yes, I have ever believed that what I then felt was what those feel and experience on leaving the body, who are really dying in the Lord. But Infinite Wisdom saw good to lengthen out the thread of life; and I have often believed, it was in answer to the prayers of His children.
A few weeks after this, I felt a degree of disappointment and sorrow, on finding a measure of returning strength; just like a mariner, who, got within sight of a desired port, is beaten back again into a tempestuous ocean. One of my cousins coming to see me, recommended a strengthening medicine, which I was unwilling to use; and told him I would rather die than live. He sharply rebuked me for this; saying, "You set up your own will, while you pretend to submit to the will of God; and by not taking proper medicines, you are a murderer!" I wept, and said, "I think I am resigned." He asked, "Are you willing to live forty years, if the Lord please?" I found a shrinking at the thought, and felt I could not at the moment say, I was willing.
He left me, but his words made a deep impression. I fell on my knees, as soon as left alone, and cried, "Lord, perfectly subdue my will." That promise was applied with much sweetness, "Ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you. "I felt assuredly, my Lord permitted me to ask life or death, and was brought to a stand. I felt a thousand fears suggested, that if I lived, I might lose what I now enjoyed of the love of God; and perhaps be one day a dishonour to His cause. But I said, "Lord, Thy grace is ever sufficient; Thou art as able to keep me a thousand years as one day."
Again it was suggested, "If thou livest, it will be to suffer." I cried, "Lord, Thou canst give me suffering grace; and if by suffering I can in any wise glorify Thee, `not as I will, but as thou wilt.' I know to die now would be instant glory. But here I am; do with me whatever Thou wilt. Thou knowest all things, and seest, at one glance, past, present, and future. One request only, therefore, will I make: if Thou knowest my life would glorify Thee, I submit to Thy will; willing to suffer or to do. But if Thou foreseest I should, in living, lose any measure of what Thou hast bestowed, Lord, suffer me not to live any longer. Or if hereafter, at any time, Thou seest a danger of my heart departing from Thee, 0 snatch me away to Thy bosom; and let me not live a moment longer than I live wholly for Thee.
"And now, 0 Lord my God, I vow and promise unto Thee, I will henceforth entirely renounce my own will, respecting life or death. I leave it fully in Thy hands, and to Thy pleasure, to take me now, or to spare me twenty, thirty, yea, forty years; or as long as Thou seest my life will bring glory to Thee, and profit to immortal souls; relying on Thy faithful promise, given me this day, that what I ask shall be done; and accounting it a solemn covenant betwixt Thee and me, that whensoever Thou seest me about to be overcome by trials, by temptations, or snares, so that I shall, in heart or life, depart from Thee, or wound Thy cause, that then Thou wilt put in Thy sickle, and gather me home; yea, if even at that time I should be so foolish as to desire life. Amen and Amen." What I felt of Heaven, of God, of love, at that season, cannot be expressed. I had communion with my Lord as if face to face; and could henceforth choose nothing but His will.
From this day forth, I speedily recovered strength, and in a few weeks was enabled to attend some of the means of grace. The Lord was pleased to make the preaching of Mr. D. Wright a great blessing to me. He clearly explained the nature of salvation from inbred sin; showed it to be as freely promised in Scripture, and as fully purchased by the blood of Jesus, as pardon; also, that though sanctification in believers is a gradual work, yet the death of sin is instantaneous, and to be obtained by faith alone, just in like manner as justification. He recommended Mr. Wesley's Plain Account, and Farther Thoughts on Christian Perfection; and Mr. Fletcher's Polemical Essay, especially his Address, in the end of it, to Imperfect Believers. These yet farther opened my eyes respecting that great salvation; and for reading them I shall praise God to all eternity.
I now was powerfully convinced, that whenever sin is totally destroyed, it is done in a moment. From hence I could not rest, but cried to the Lord night and day to cast out the strong man and his armour of unbelief and sin; assured that the power of the living God, and not death, must be the executioner, the blood of Jesus the procuring cause, and faith the only instrument. I had a deeper sense of my impurity than ever; and though, by grace, I was restrained from giving way outwardly, yet I felt such inward impatience, pride, fretfulness, and, in short, every evil temper, that, at times, I could truly say, I was weary and heavy laden.
I here transcribe a brief extract from my Journal, kept at the time, as it will most clearly describe the language of my heart.
January 18th, 1776 - I was much comforted by a manifest answer to prayer. Afterwards, reading three of Mr. Fletcher's letters to his parishioners was a great blessing. Yet in the evening, I found many wanderings, and much deadness: I felt unsatisfied with myself and all around me; and knew not why. It might, in some measure, be owing to the indisposition of my body; but I fear it is more owing to the evil of my corrupt heart. 0 when shall I be holy!
l9th. - I have been greatly tried inwardly and outwardly, though I have had some refreshing visits of love; but I feel many evil tempers, much self-will that would not be contradicted; (though none saw it but the Lord; peevishness, pride, and unbelief greatly distressed me. My cry was, this evening, "Create in me a clean heart, 0 God, and renew a right spirit within me." And in private prayer, I was blessed in a wonderful manner. I lay at the feet of my Lord as clay in the hands of the potter; only beseeching Him to stamp me with His lovely image.
25th. - The Lord shows me, more than ever, that I must be made holy before death. And this day I can say, "As the hart panteth after the water-brook," so thirsteth my soul for the perfect love of God. 0 may I never rest till I have received this blessing! Lord, I have, in this respect, been a trifler; I have been too easy, too lukewarm, while Thy enemies have had a lurking-place in my heart! 0 forgive me, and help me to be more in earnest! These words were applied, while engaged in wrestling prayer, "All I have is thine!" And is not this salvation from sin His gift? It is; and shall be mine.
"0 joyful sound of Gospel grace!
Christ shall in me appear;
I, even I, shall see His face;
I shall be holy here."
27th. - Mr. Wesley's Plain Account of Christian Perfection was this day a greater blessing than before. 0 how very ignorant, how stupid have I been respecting this great salvation! And even yet I seem to know nothing. Lord, teach me, and save me fully. I find, while pressing after entire purity, my communion with God increases, and I have more power to do His will.
Feb. 2nd. - I awoke several times in the night praying for sanctification. 0 the depth of unbelief and pride! and these seem only the roots of many other evil branches. 0 my God, I feel my heart as a den of thieves: I loathe myself; but 0, I fall a leper at Thy feet. I believe "the blood of Jesus Christ cleanseth from all sin:" but when I would Come to the fountain, I seem all ignorance and helplessness. 0 Lord, teach and strengthen me, for Thy mercy's sake!
3rd. - I have had deep communion with my God, and much power at the throne of grace. I have a clear evidence of His pardoning love, and want nothing but His whole image stamped on my heart.
8th. - I was greatly comforted this morning in spreading open the word of God on my knees, and praying for a conformity to it. I opened on 1 Thess. 5:16, ultimo. I see what is there required is the very salvation my soul needs. O how it is summed up in that prayer of the Apostle, "Now the very God of peace sanctify you wholly: and I pray God your whole spirit and soul and body be preserved blameless unto the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ." And would St. Paul pray for what they could not obtain? 0 no! He believed they should be both sanctified and preserved blameless; for he says, "Faithful is he who hath called you, who also will do it." Amen Lord! let me, Thy worthless creature, prove this word, for Jesus' sake.
On the morning of February 22nd, I awoke poorly in body, and felt a strange hardness on my heart, and a great backwardness to private prayer. Satan told me, if I prayed, it would only be solemn mockery; for my body would so weigh down my soul, that while my words flew up, my thoughts would remain below, and I should obtain no blessing. But I cried, "Lord, help me!" and fell instantly on my knees: for a few moments my ideas were all distraction; but the mighty God spoke to the troubled ocean, "Peace, be still!" and there followed a great calm throughout my soul.
My intercourse was now open with my Beloved, and various promises presented to my believing view. I thought, Shall I now ask small blessings only of my God? "Lord," cried I, "make this the moment of my full salvation! Baptize me now with the Holy Ghost and the fire of pure love. Now `make me a clean heart, and renew a right spirit within me.' Now enter Thy temple, and cast out sin for ever. Now cleanse the thoughts, desires, and propensities of my heart, and let me perfectly love Thee."
But here Satan raised all his force of temptations to oppose me; telling me, I had not been long enough justified; I had more to suffer first, etc.; and my ideas being not yet clear in the nature of this blessing, gave the enemy an advantage. For I thought, when fully saved from sin, I could suffer no more, feel no more pain, make no more mistakes; my judgment and memory would be perfect, and I should feel temptation no more! Therefore, this suggestion, that I had to suffer much first, had the more plausibility.
But, in that moment, I received light from above, and cried, "Lord, till my heart is renewed, I cannot suffer as I ought. Give me perfect love, and I can then bear all things!" "But," said Satan, "if this blessing were given, thou wouldst soon lose it again, in such and such trials which lie before thee: get those trials past, and then come for this blessing." "But," I cried, "Lord, I cannot stand those trials without it. 0 purify my heart, that I may be able to stand in the trying hour! If I face my subtle enemies while I have a traitor within, ever ready to betray me into their hands, how shall I be able to stand? But if that `strong man armed be cast out with all his armour, how much more shall I be able to contend with my outward enemies!"
Many other temptations were injected; but I cried so much the more, "Lord, save me!" And the Lord gave me that promise, "I will circumcise thy heart, and thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart," etc. I said, "Lord, Thou art faithful, and this is Thy word: I cast my whole soul upon Thy promise: make known Thy faithfulness, by performing it on my heart. Circumcise it now; fill it now with Thy pure love; sanctify every faculty of my soul: I offer all to Thee: I give Thee all my powers; I take Thee, almighty Jesus, for my wisdom, my righteousness, my sanctification. Now `cleanse me from all my filthiness and from all my idols; take away the heart of stone, and give me a heart of flesh.' I come empty to be filled; deny me not. It would be for Thy own glory to save me now; for how much better could I serve Thee! It is true, I have no plea but Thy mercy, the blood of Jesus, Thy promise, and my own great need. 0 save me fully by an act of free grace. Thou hast said, `He that believeth shall be saved.' I now take Thee at Thy word: I do, by faith, cast myself on Thy promise: I venture my soul on Thy veracity: Thou canst not deny! Being purchased by Thy blood, Thy justice is engaged; being promised without money and without price, Thy truth is bound: thus every attribute of my God secures it to me."
Ah! why did I ever doubt His willingness when He gave Jesus! gave Him to "destroy the works of the devil - to make an end of sin!" The hindrance lay in me, not in Him. He desired to make me holy, but unbelief hid it from my eyes. Accursed sin! But now, Lord, I do believe: this moment Thou dost save. Yea, Lord, my soul is delivered of her burden. I am emptied of all; I am at Thy feet, a helpless, worthless worm: but I take hold on Thee as my fulness! everything that I want Thou art. Thou art wisdom, strength, love, holiness; yes, and Thou art mine! I am conquered and subdued by love. Thy love sinks me into nothing: it overflows my soul. 0 my Jesus, Thou art all in all! in Thee I behold and feel all the fulness of the Godhead mine. I am now one with God: the intercourse is open: sin, inbred sin, no longer hinders the close communion, and God is all my own!
0 the depth of solid peace my soul now felt! but not so much rapturous joy as at justification. It was
"The sacred awe which dares not move
And all the silent heaven of love!"
Yet when I rose from my knees, Satan once more assaulted me with, "Thou art going to face various trials, and a cooling world: thou wilt soon lose this blessing." But instantly that Scripture was given me, "He that keepeth Israel neither slumbereth nor sleepeth: the Lord himself is thy Keeper! It is even He that shall preserve thy going out, and thy coming in, from this time forth, and for evermore." "Lord," said I, "I feel my own insufficiency; I can do nothing; I can resist nothing; but I commit the powers of my soul, the avenues of my heart, to Thy keeping." Again, He graciously applied, "Blessed is she that believed; for there shall be a performance of those things which were told her from the Lord." "My God," said I, "it is enough! my soul does trust Thee, and I will praise Thee."
March 2002